Ask Sheila

Send Sheila your questions to asksheila@kissingbooth.com.

To find more advice from Ask Sheila, go to our ADVICE ARCHIVES PAGE to search for more words of wisdom on romance, love, kissing and relationships.

Q
Hi Sheila, my name is Sheila also. My boyfriend and I just broke up about 3 weeks ago after a five year relationship and I am taking it very hard. He says that he is not sure that I am the one he wants to be committed to for the rest of his life. I am 43 and he is 47. This man is the greatest, I never dated anyone that is good to me as he is. I am the one that broke up with him because I just wanted to find out what he really wanted. Things haven't been the same lately and our lovemaking also stopped. I let him know that I just wanted to see what he really wanted by breaking up but he wants to keep it this way now. This is not the first time that this has happened. Now I have lost him and probably want get him back. Although he says he still loves me but I don't understand if he does why don't he want me back? It is killing me and I am tired of crying and being depressed everyday. I need some help because I don't like the way I am feeling.

A
Testing someone to find out what they want is definitely NOT the way to go. It shows you don’t trust him and without trust you can’t have a relationship.  Obviously he has figured it out because he won’t take you back and if this is something that has also happened in the past, he probably figures that if he returns you’ll just do it again one day and the whole thing will escalate again.  Who wants to go through THAT? He was good to you.  He stayed with you for five years.  Why would you need or want to test him?  Trust is what is missing in your relationship and it’s obviously taken its toll on him.  Just because he won’t return doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.  Sometimes two people can be in love but aren’t good for one another. He may love you but doesn’t want to put himself out there for you to judge him again.  You have to take stock in the good things that he has done for you.  You have to trust him to be committed to the relationship. Until you can do that the relationship will only be toxic. As it stands now, just give him some time and space.  Don’t phone him or hassle him. Bide your time with work, friends and things you enjoy doing.  Then, after awhile, try to talk to him and admit what you were doing was wrong and he didn’t deserve it.  If he gives you another chance then great! Learn from your mistakes and move on.  If he doesn’t, then all you can do is learn from it and make sure you don’t make the same mistakes in your next relationship.  Sometimes we have to learn the hard way when we’re not being appropriate, especially to someone who didn’t deserve it in the first place. Admit your faults, work on them, and move on.

Q
A few guys on myspace want to have e-sex. I kindof want to have the real thing, but not yet. Should I do it?

Also, my friend has a boyfrirend that I really like. She is mad at me and is telling everyone that I like him. I never told her that I liked him, which makes it worse! What do I do?

Emma

A
In regards to having e-sex. Don’t do it! It is degrading and humiliating. Usually a guy wants to partake in e-sex, which is also known as cyber sex, so that he can jerk off on the other end. It’s as degrading as having a one night stand. Men who ask you to cyber sex online do not consider you a friend. They consider women who do cyber sex to be sexual perverts, like themselves, and eventually will stop chatting with you if you don’t give in. Friends don’t do that to one another. Perverts will. So don’t do it. Please.

With regards to your friend. My suggestion is you confront her and ask her why she thinks you like him. If she’s making the whole thing up then she’s not your friend. Friend’s don’t do that to their friends. True friends, when confronted with a difficult situation, will talk to one another about the situation. That is the only way to resolve it. So if she is still persistent, I would keep my distance from her… and her boyfriend. Stick with friends who are true, honest, and faithful.

Q
I'm not sure what is going on here. In my relationship things aren't going well, but I don't know how to end it without altering my entire life and perhaps never having the chance to get married again.

My boyfriend has always been a bit iffy but I never questioned if he really loved me. However, a couple weeks ago he told me he was fantasizing about being with a brown girl. He's brown and I'm white. I live with him and his family all lives nearby. I don't have any allies as all of my friends and family don't live in this city. But I didn't mind. I was content and in love and it seemed I had gained a new family. But after he's told me this I knew I could never feel the same way about him. Somehow we didn't break up over it, though I was sure we would. Now I have to pretend I'm happy and normal even though I'm dying inside because it angers him to see me upset. Now he goes in and out of the house all of the time and in and out of the computer room. He never just does something wholeheartedly with me. I don't need to be with him all the time, but I need some quality time. He asks me what I want and I just say to make me feel special and I suggest getting me flowers or writing a note. But in the year and a half we've been together he's writtien me like three notes and given me flowers twice. And I"ve written him countless notes and given him a lot of flowers and painted portraits of him and done a thousand other sweet things that he doesn't care about. I just stopped doing them, because he doesn't care.

I don't know what to do. I want to start over but I can't see myself with a better guy. Perhaps I have low self-esteem but I've always been confident. I am confused mostly. Very worried and anxious. I don't get to do what I want to do at all. And he crushes my dreams and tells me I'm dumb. Then he is so sweet and logical that I always seem like the bad guy. He never cares how I fell. And the biggest thing is I don't know what to do. I don't see my friends and feel lonely when I'm with him. I feel like he always has better things to do. He always has his cell phone pressed to his ear, whereas I make my calls when he is not around so as not to be rude.

In regards to romance and gift giving from your man. Some guys just don’t get it. It’s not in them. Either they don’t think about it or they’re selfish or they don’t think it’s a big deal. Not every guy is romantic… even if you spell it out to them. You have to decide, after telling him what you want/need, whether or not you can accept him for how he is, flaws and all. If not, then don’t try to change him. Find someone else who can offer you what you want and need. Try to change him into something he’s not is only going to alienate him further, which is what seems to be happening now. Obviously giving notes isn’t as high a priority as it is for you, and that’s ok. You can’t form and shape him into something he’s not. He knows what you want and what you’d like and you’ve made that obvious. But if you feel in your gut that he’s not caring enough, then go with your gut. If you stick in a toxic relationship for the sake of not being alone then you have no one to blame but yourself. You have obviously done all you can to let him know what you need. Now it is up to him to act on it. If he doesn’t, are you willing to accept him for who he is or are you better than that and deserve someone worthy of your affections? It’s up to you.

Links    Link to us     Contact